Though it is natural for humankind to connect in a way that nurtures compassionate awareness of our own and other people’s needs, most of us have been immersed in a belief system learned over many generations that makes such connection difficult. Nonviolent Communication (NVC) assists us to notice habitual behaviours and related inner dialogues that disconnect us from our natural compassion and to identify and connect with underlying life qualities or “needs” – ours and those of other people.

To assist people to develop awareness of these habitual behaviours and inner dialogues (I like to call this “my stuff”), I have chosen to include them in a list NVCers often refer to as the “Four ‘D’s of Disconnection.”

The Four D’s of Disconnection:

1. Diagnosis: including evaluations, analysis, criticisms, comparisons, projections, labels, moralistic judgements (ideas of rightness/wrongness, goodness/badness, diligence/laziness, appropriateness/inappropriateness, etc). In using communications similar to the above, we are using static language to diagnose who we think people are instead of communicating what is important to us. Such language increases the likelihood of defensiveness, argument or returned criticism and lessens the likelihood of understanding and connection.

As we are culturally conditioned to this type of thinking and dialogue, I believe many of us experience great difficulty in understanding why ideas of rightness and wrongness may not serve life. And yet, the moment we deflect focus away from that which is most important to us (our inherent needs) to ideas that incorporate moralistic judgements of ourselves or other people, we decrease own clarity and therefore opportunity to choose actions or words that will most fully serve us.

2. Denial of Responsibility: including words like “should”, “ought” “must” “can’t” “have to”, attributing the choices we make to “company policy” or “superiors orders”, or attributing the cause of our feelings to other people or extrinsic situations (“You make me feel frustrated!”).

When we use language or incur thoughts either consciously or unconsciously that imply that our choices are the result of someone or something extrinsic from ourselves, we lessen connection to our own empowerment and awareness. Words like “should” “must” and “can’t” imply our present choices are beyond our control. Such words, though often expressed, do not provide clarity or insight into the needs we are serving by making the choices we do. As we begin to notice such words or thoughts, however, we can utilize our new awareness to link to (or take responsibility for) our needs. As needs become forefront in our consciousness, we are then empowered to choose strategies that may better support them. So the question that may most serve us when thinking words like ‘should’ is: “What do I need in this moment?”

3. Deserve-orientated language. This language or belief system includes ideas of punishment and reward as motivators and often implies that either reprimand or praise is deserved. A question we might ask ourselves to shift to a consciousness more mutually empowering and supportive of our intrinsic values might be as follows:

“Would we like our children or others in our lives to be self-motivated, excited and intrinsically inspired to learn, evolve and grow because they are connected to and inspired by their own needs and values? Or would we prefer that this motivation is derived from rewards if they comply with our ideas for learning and evolving… or punishments if they do not comply?”

4. Demands (instead of Requests)

When we demand something of another person, that person may agree. However, compliance may often evolve from fear or worry that the other will be disliked, blamed or punished if s/he does not agree, and may therefore result in depression or anger. If the other person chooses not to succumb to our demand, we may experience rebellion and non-compliance to future requests. I believe we are much more likely to fully realize our needs when we are unattached to an agenda and willing to incorporate openness, curiosity and mutual respect into our dialogues. When we request an action from another person without attachment to outcome and with a willingness to connect to mutual needs, we are most likely to produce an agreement that fulfils and honors each person and contributes to future harmony. An easy way to determine whether or not the request we are contemplating is truly a request (and not a demand) is to ask ourselves how we would respond if we heard back, “No”.

The Two Parts and Four Components of Nonviolent Communication:

Nonviolent Communication is a process that asks us to notice and acknowledge common disconnects (previous pages) and to identify and experience the life underlying these disconnects. The process evolves as awareness is developed of NVC’s four components (not necessarily in any particular order): observations, feelings, needs and requests - and two parts: authentic expression of our own needs and empathic presence to the needs of others. As we learn to express ourselves clearly and in harmony with our own needs and values, we also learn to develop presence or listen to other people’s needs with like compassion.

A. Authentic Expression through the Four Components of NVC:

1. Observations: It is challenging for many to differentiate between clear observations and moralistic judgements, yet developing clarity of this distinction can be key to ensuring your own message will be understood.

(i) Clearly state what you are seeing, hearing, touching, feeling, smelling or tasting.

(ii) Be specific as to time and context…. When and where did this occur? What specifically did you see, hear, touch, taste, or smell? If you heard something, what were the exact words that were stated? If you saw something, what did you see?

(iii) Separate your observation from any evaluation. If you express what has been observed as a statement of evaluation or moralistic judgement, the listener is likely to hear criticism. If the observation is something you heard or saw, you may assist yourself to discern the difference by asking yourself: “Is my observation something that could be seen or heard by a video camera?”

Example 1:

“You don’t care about me anymore.” (Evaluation – in this example the speaker is expressing her assessment of the situation.)

Example 2:

“You stated, ‘I’m not coming to your graduation’.” (Observation – in

this example, the speaker is stating specifically what she heard.)

2. Feelings: Many words commonly used to express feelings more accurately express thoughts. These thoughts either evaluate ourselves or project ideas about what we believe others may be thinking or doing. We gain clarity and connection if we develop awareness of such words or phrases and take the time to look beyond them to our actual feelings. For example:

(i) A common habit is to follow the words “I feel” with words such as “like”, “that”, or “as if”, or a personal pronoun such as “you”, “she”, “he”, or “they”, or names or nouns referring to people. When we do this, we are not expressing feelings. Instead, we are expressing thoughts. By noticing such phrases and taking the time to process underlying feelings, we assist our communication and our understanding.

Examples:	Expressing thoughts:	Expressing feelings:
	“I feel like an idiot”	“I feel embarrassed”
	“I feel as if you’re angry at me”	“I feel fearful and worried”
	“I feel she’s way out of line!”	“I feel anxious and perturbed”
	“I feel Bob is unprofessional!”	“I feel frustrated and dismayed”

(ii) Individual words that describe how we think others have impacted us:

Examples: abandoned, abused, betrayed, bullied, cheated, coerced, disrespected, cornered, diminished, ignored, intimidated, let-down, manipulated, mistrusted, misunderstood, neglected, overworked, patronized, pressured, put down, ridiculed, set-up, targeted, trapped, tricked, unappreciated, uncared-for, unheard, unrecognized, used, unseen, unsupported, unwanted, unwelcome, victimized, worked-over

For example, we might say we “feel manipulated”. This is really an idea we have that someone is doing something to us…it’s very useful information because it provides us with an opportunity to get in touch with the needs underlying our thoughts. Perhaps the underlying need, in this situation, might be consideration. If our need for consideration is not fulfilled, we might be feeling irritation. So it helps us to connect with what is really going on if we are clear: “I feel irritated and would like consideration for my own point of view” instead of “I feel manipulated”.

(iii) Individual words where we label ourselves:

Examples: clumsy, dumb, inconsiderate, ignorant, inadequate, inefficient, incompetent, insignificant, meaningless, purposeless, ridiculous, stupid, uncreative, unreliable

For example, we might say we “feel inadequate”. Perhaps our need, if we stay in touch with our thought of inadequacy might be “contribution”. If we have a sense that we’re not contributing as we would like, we might be feeling “discouraged”. So instead of “I feel inadequate” shifting to a phrase like, “I feel discouraged because I would like to be contributing” assists us to gain clarity of the needs underlying words like those above. With this clarity it is much easier to link to requests or strategies that might support us.

We often deny responsibility for our own feelings by implying that others are the cause of our unsettled feelings. Instead, we can enhance life by taking responsibility for our own feelings by linking them to our needs:

Denying responsibility:	“You make me feel annoyed* when you say I’m not pulling my weight around here”* (implies the other is the cause of our annoyance)

Taking responsibility:	“When you say I’m not pulling my weight around here, I feel annoyed* because I’d like recognition for the efforts I have made.”* (implies that the cause of our annoyance is related to our own need for recognition)

Denying responsibility:	“He makes me feel so bored!” (implies the other is the cause of our boredom)

Taking responsibility:	“I feel bored* because I’d like more stimulation and meaning in this course.”* (implies that the cause of our boredom is related to our own need for stimulation and meaning)

Other people may be the stimulus, but never the cause of our feelings. Our feelings are caused by needs that are either fulfilled or unfulfilled in any given moment and the related thoughts we are experiencing at the time.

3. Needs

Needs (or values) are the heart of NVC. Needs are universal, common to all cultures, genders, races and countries. When we are able to live fully aware and present to human values instead of falling into patterns of disconnection, we are more likely to contribute to harmony, peace and connection in the world.

When we experience a situation that is challenging for us, we can assist ourselves if we are aware of the difference between behaviours that are likely to alienate life and behaviours that are likely to enhance life and our option to choose. The following question may be helpful: “What is my intention in this moment? Am I choosing connection (awareness of present needs) or disconnection (stuck in my ‘stuff’)?”

If the words we communicate and the actions we choose incorporate life-alienating thoughts and beliefs, we are unlikely to experience the connection and understanding we would like. As we begin to open fully and authentically to needs awareness, we free ourselves to explore solutions that support ourselves and others. With this awareness, we increase our chances for connection, understanding, contribution and meaning. As we begin to notice and process our life alienating thoughts and behaviours, and become increasingly mindful and supportive of our own needs and those of others, we nurture the seed of compassion in all humankind.

A common challenge for people new to NVC is to differentiate between a need and a strategy. For example I might having a conversation with another person and suddenly hear myself say, “I need a cup of coffee”. In this instance, I am not expressing a need. Instead I am focusing on a strategy that may meet a particular need. If I take the time to process underlying needs in this moment, I might be aware that I am feeling fatigued and need more meaning and connection with this person. Therefore the strategy of “coffee” came to mind. If I’m in touch with needs, other strategies might serve me just as well such as five minutes outside in fresh air, or a shift in the nature of the conversation that would more fully meet needs for meaning and connection.

Examples:	Expressing strategies	Expressing needs:
	“I need a new car”	“I need freedom and ease ”
	“I need a cigarette”	“I need peace and relaxation”
	“I need my own apartment	“I need space and autonomy”
	“I need a therapist!”	“I need understanding, peace, harmony, ease”

Sometimes it may seem impossible to identify needs when we are experiencing challenge. However, if we develop a mindfulness of our intention in the moment, we can use that awareness to support ourselves before we speak. Let’s look at this further, using an example:

Jocelyn says to her partner, Luke: “I’ve been waiting over a half an hour…as if you cared!”

Thoughts going on in Luke:	Possible needs underlying Luke’s thoughts:

“How can she suggest I don’t care! Does she even remember the flowers I gave her last week?”	Appreciation, Recognition

“I don’t get support from her and I’m not getting it at work either!”	Recognition, Understanding, Support

“My boss is such a dictator. If he hadn’t forced me to work overtime, I’d have been on time.”	Consideration, Understanding

“Darn, she’s really pissed off. I guess I should have phoned her”	Responsibility, Consideration of others, Communication

If Luke shares his thoughts (left column) with Jocelyn, he is unlikely to experience the understanding he would like. His thoughts are not “bad” - they are simply an invitation to dig a little deeper and find out what is going on. If he is willing to check his intention as he experiences these thoughts (taking a long, slow breath helps), he would realize that he is disconnecting into his “stuff”. Then, if he takes the necessary time to connect with his needs (right column) before he speaks, instead of communicating his disconnects, he will be able to express himself in NVC using words that Jocelyn might hear more easily, such as:

“When I hear you say you’ve been waiting a half an hour, I feel frustrated and regretful. I wish I’d phoned you to say I would be late. At the same time, I’m going through a tough time at work and I’d like understanding and support around that. Would you be willing to sit down with me now and tell me about any feelings that have come up for you as I’ve shared this?”

4. Requests: If we desire to connect compassionately with other people, it is important to include a clear request. If we are not clear what we are wanting from another person, we are unlikely to be fully connected to our needs and may be holding some disconnecting thoughts of ourselves or the other person like wrongness, blame or criticism. It may be helpful therefore, before beginning to express ourselves to another, to ask ourselves the following questions:

“What is my intention in making this request - am I fully connected to needs or are my thoughts incorporating my ‘stuff’ and moralistic judgements?”

“What is it that I am wanting from this person in this moment?”

Example 1 (needs expressed without request): “When I realize that the report promised today is delayed until Tuesday, I feel dismay because efficiency is important to me and I want to honour our commitment.”

Example 2 (needs expressed with request) “When I realize that the report promised today is delayed until Tuesday, I feel dismay because efficiency is important to me and I want to honour our commitment. Would you be willing now, to share your ideas about how we might meet future targets with more ease?”

In the first example, the listener is unlikely to be clear about what is wanted of him. He may even interpret that the speaker is implying that he is being judged for a perceived lack of commitment and efficiency. In the second example, the listener immediately has clarity as to what is requested. This increases possibility that he will understand the speaker’s needs and the likelihood that he will respond affirmatively.

It is also helpful to understand the difference between making a request and making a demand. If your objective in asking someone to do something is to change that person or to get them to agree to do what you ask, you are making a demand. You are making a request if you are clearly connected to your needs and willing to listen to the needs of the other person if he or she says “no”.

It is important to distinguish between specific language and vague or ambiguous phrasing:

Example 1:	“Are you willing to be more considerate in the future?” (vague, non-specific)

Example 2:	“Are you willing to phone me by noon if you are delayed?” (specific request)

Remember to use positive action language by stating what you are requesting instead of what you are not requesting:

Example 1:	“Please don’t eat the last donut.” (it’s hard to do a “don’t”)

Example 2:	“Please save the last donut for Dad.” (specific positive action request)

Example 1:	‘Would you do the dishes please?” (You’re not saying when… maybe they’ll still be in the sink tomorrow morning)

Example 2:	“Would you please do the dishes before you go to bed tonight?” (increases the likelihood that your request will be honoured within the time-frame you envision)

Types of requests: There are two types of requests, those that ask for a specific do-able action and those that invite further rounds of dialogue. The latter are called “connection requests”.

(i) Connection requests: (help us to understand others or determine if they understand us)

Example 1 (the request is highlighted in bold): “When I see last night’s dishes in the sink this morning, I feel frustrated because I’d like us to cooperate and share household chores. I’d really like to know that I have been clear. Would you be willing to tell me back what you heard me say?” This type of request lets us know whether or not the listener has understood our needs. If we hear back something like, “Quit picking on me”, we know we’ve not had the connection we would like. So we can choose to express our feelings and needs again. The second attempt might sound something like, “Thanks for telling me what you heard. I would like to express myself more clearly. I’m feeling frustrated and would like us to cooperate and share household chores. Would you tell me what you are hearing this time?” When we ask another to repeat back what we say, we are asking them to communicate that they understand our needs. If this is clearly not happening, then example 2 (below) is another connection request we might consider:

Example 2 “Would you be willing to share your feelings as you hear me say this?” This request gives us the opportunity to understand the feelings of the other person. So incorporating this idea with the above situation might sound something like, “When I see last night’s dishes in the sink this morning, I feel frustrated because I’d like us to cooperate and share household chores. Would you be willing to share the feelings that come up for you as I say this?” Now we are asking for the other person to express her feelings. So if we hear back, “I feel pissed off… you’re always telling me what to do”, we now have the opportunity to empathize with her. That might sound something like, “So you’re wanting to have some choice about how you would like to contribute around here?”… and, with this, we are setting up opportunity for the dialogue to continue until the needs of both sides are voiced and understood.

(ii) Action requests: An action request asks a specific, do-able action we would like of the other person and often results in a simple “yes” or “no” response. Be sure to include a time frame when applicable.

Example: “Would you be willing to pick up the kids on your way home tonight?”

**B. The other part of Nonviolent Communication – Empathy**

A Look at the Empathy Process

Empathy, like most things in life, is always a choice. If you choose to give empathy, you are making a conscious choice to be fully present to the other person. You may not enjoy the other person… you may not agree with the strategies he or she is choosing. You are simply willing to be present for that person’s feelings and needs in that particular moment. The giving of empathy is all about choosing to shift consciousness away from yourself in any particular moment to complete presence for the feelings and needs of the other person. Empathy is about being with someone, not doing to someone. Empathy can be chosen to celebrate joys or to assist the other person to uncover unmet needs behind disappointments and pain. When people become clear of the needs behind their pain, their clarity will assist them to explore solutions or strategies that might better support themselves and ultimately, other people as well.

Empathy does not imply that you are a “doormat” for another to step on. It is paramount that you are cognizant of and respectful of your own needs. It can be enormously challenging to support another person if you are not compassionate with yourself… So take time to process your own needs before you extend to another. The heart-full attention you offer yourself will infinitely enhance your empathic contribution to another human being.

Empathy can be effective even when it is silent. Sometimes the other person is not ready to talk, or holds the idea that he will never be understood. In such times, quietly imagine the feelings and needs behind his pain. Even if you are not able to connect verbally with him, the compassionate energy you are sustaining sets the stage for future connection and understanding.

2. Seven tips to remember when you choose to offer empathy to another person:

1. Pause and breathe.

2. If the other’s statement is painful for you to hear, remember: “This is not about me.”

3. Ask yourself, “Am I sufficiently connected to my own needs to be able to be fully present to the other person in this moment? If you are aware that your own unresolved pain might impede your ability to contribute empathy, take time out to be with what’s going on with you (your own feelings and needs) before committing to the process outlined below.

4. Begin with an intention to connect: What might the other person be feeling.... be needing? It may be helpful to imagine a flow of heartfelt energy between yourself and the other person.

5. If you use words, be conscious of and responsive to the energy of the other person.

6. Stay in the flow of empathy until you feel a bodily relaxation or release in the other…. or you may notice that the person has become quiet. At this point, ask if he or she has anything more he would like to share.

7. If the other has indicated that she has nothing further to share, it may be beneficial in many instances to offer a post-empathy request. This can be a very powerful opportunity for the person with whom you are empathizing to connect with any needs that may be unfulfilled and to consider choices that may support those needs. Possible requests might be:

“Would you like to explore a possible solution right now?”

“Would you like to hear my thoughts about this?”

or something specific and do-able like:

“Would you like me to go with you to the school counselor tomorrow morning?”

Sometimes the other person needs time to absorb what he has discovered and may decline the offer of a solution or strategy. Be aware that the best support you can offer in this situation is space for her to explore strategies or solutions when she is ready.

3. A Real-Life Empathy Story

I’m reminded of an incident with my then teen-aged daughter during my early days with NVC. My partner had photographed her receiving the winner’s trophy at a sporting event. Thinking she would be delighted, he had enlarged and framed the photo and placed it on a table in our entrance hallway. I was relieved he wasn’t home when my daughter first saw it. She took one look at the photo and exclaimed, “Who took that photo? - It’s crap!”.

Perhaps you can imagine what might have been going on in my mind at that moment. Thoughts like “how ungrateful!… how selfish can she be?!… doesn’t she realize the love that went into creating it?!” I even wondered what kind of mother I was to bring up such a “selfish child”.

Luckily, I’d attended one of Dr. Rosenberg’s introductory workshops the night before. I remembered his words, “All violence is a tragic expression of unmet needs.” I was certainly experiencing her words as violent… but what needs were underlying them? I remembered hearing that one important need for teenagers (for everyone for that matter) is “choice”. I also remembered that, no matter what was being said, her outburst was “not about me”. I remembered the instruction to “take a deep breath”. I actually took two. I used that time to get in touch with my own need for recognition of her father’s love in putting the picture together. And then, feeling somewhat bewildered, I asked my daughter, “So you would really like to choose the pictures that are displayed of you?”

“Yes,” she replied. “Dad should have asked me first!. It’s a stupid picture!” Taking another breath, I decided to stay with empathy. “So I guess you’re really frustrated and having choice is important to you?” I was so new to NVC, the only need that came to my mind was “choice”. I guess I was somewhat on track because I heard her mumble, “Uh-huh.” She looked down at the table, silent, her shoulders sagging. Still feeling confused, and wondering about next steps, I asked her if it would be okay if I put the photo in her Dad’s office and she agreed.

When I returned to the table where we had been having the discussion, I discovered my daughter with her head in her arms, sobbing. Between sobs, she looked up at me and said, “It’s not about the picture… it’s about…” She began to tell me about a work experience she had endured that day that had been very painful for her. I listened quietly, feeling immense gratitude for my fledgling knowledge of NVC.

Imagine what might have happened if I had reacted by expressing my earlier thoughts to her when she was already feeling so raw and tender… imagine if I told her she was “ungrateful and selfish”? Instead, because I had been willing to stay with the needs behind words I had initially found so challenging, I had a treasured opportunity not only to support her through her difficulty (with more NVC empathy…this time her needs were easier to discern), but also to deepen connection and respect in our relationship.

After my daughter had recovered, she asked me, “Where did you put the picture?” I told her it was in her Dad’s office. “Oh,” she replied… “let’s put it back in the hallway… it’s really okay.” The photo has been proudly displayed ever since.

3. Impediments to Empathic Connection

Most of us naturally want to help those in pain, especially those most dear to us - our children, partners, friends or relatives. Sometimes, the strategies we choose to assist others actually impede empathic connection. Instead we may attempt to fix the situation, offer advice, educate, explain, or ask questions we think might be helpful. While some of these may be helpful after empathy is complete if the person is open and receptive to that manner of support, these offerings should not be confused with empathy. Empathy requires only that you stay fully present for the feelings and needs of the other person.

Sympathy, though often beneficial, is sometimes confused with empathy. Sympathy, however, is really all about yourself and your own feelings, not those of the other person. An obvious clue if you’re wondering if you are sympathizing or empathizing is if you hear yourself using the word “I” throughout your conversation. Instead, NVC empathy would sound something like, “Are you feeling _______ because you need _______”

I’m including a list of actions I consider impediments to empathic connection below:

Advice, Fixing, Educating

“If I were you, I’d….”

“There’s a video out on this…”

Explaining or Correcting

“Oh, I think they meant…”

“Actually Tom didn’t arrive until yesterday…”

Interrogating

“How long have you known him?”

“What time did you get to bed?…”

Evaluating or Analysing

“You’re too sensitive…”

“They are way out of line…”

Sympathizing

“Hearing that, I feel irate… I can’t imagine how you tolerate him!”

“I really feel for you…”

Consoling

“There’s always a next time…”

“Poor you… you did your best”

One-upping or Telling a Story

“Wait ‘til you hear what happened to me…”

“That reminds me of the time….”

Shutting down

“You need to grow up…”

“Think of what the others were feeling…”

4. Building NVC Consciousness is an Ongoing Process

I believe it takes time and infinite practice to develop NVC consciousness. Initially, we may begin to notice our own thoughts and actions more, wondering about the needs underlying our choices and our feelings. From our deeper noticing, we may choose to construct a new mindfulness of intention, an awareness of non-attachment to particular strategies, a consciousness of openness, mutual empowerment, partnership and possibility. We may become more willing to consider others’ needs within the context of our own needs (which we see as equally important) and more creative in structuring opportunity to consider and honour everyone’s needs.

In the beginning, people tell me they are not able to come up with words that adequately express their new NVC knowledge, but that they are reacting less and noticing their thoughts and language more - that often they retreat to silence to gain some clarity before attempting to express themselves or before offering empathy to someone. Often people tell me that their deepest learning has been derived from times when they are sharing NVC with others. I know this is true for me. I also believe that NVC is an ongoing process - that, for me and many others, it is about continual learning and growing fueled by a deep desire to connect with other people, to contribute to them and to all life on this planet….essentially to know that what we do matters. I believe that as we learn to authentically express our own needs and remain open and empathically present to the needs of others, we begin to construct a foundation of trust, mutual respect and understanding that will significantly enhance all relationships and all life. For this awareness, I am continually grateful to Dr. Marshall Rosenberg and my CNVC colleagues and friends with whom I share, and learn and grow.

Facts for Reflection

Saturday, June 28, 2014

The Nonviolent Communication Process: A Synopsis